my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
