We got so high we made milksteak
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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