You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
