think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
