I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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