I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
