My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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