My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
