Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
