The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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