Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
