i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize