i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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