I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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