Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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