Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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