I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize