FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Couch. On fire.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
