Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
