I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
