this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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