Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
