I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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