Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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