so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
