I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize