Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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