we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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