She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
