Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
