If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
