1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
