It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
