My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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