I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
