it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Randomize
