I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
