I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
