If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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