I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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