My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
