I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
