You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
