there's paper in my vomit.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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