I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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