Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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