Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my liver is dry heaving
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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