I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
