I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
