You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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