Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize