My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
