There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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