i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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