maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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