The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
