just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
