My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They took my balls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
