I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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