Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
