I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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