He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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