My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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