he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
